You’re feeling guilty about the wrong thing when it comes to self-care
Hi, it’s me, your friendly change and mindset coach who has also facilitated, and supervised, hours of parenting groups. And whenever the topic of self-care comes up, the reasons moms say they struggle to engage in it is 1) guilt and 2) time.
Even though this makes me want to cry and rake my hands down my face, this makes sense! Of course women feel guilty for putting themselves first. We are soooo conditioned to put others first, especially our children and families. This is what being a mother ‘means’: to be selfless and giving, always. (Hello ‘Giving Tree’ being taken as a to-do rather than a cautionary tale…)
And this is also where lack of time comes in, on top of the endless chores and caregiving for others, when would women possibly find time to do anything that supports them?
Let’s return to my thesis, you’re feeling guilty for the wrong thing. You should feel guilty for NOT doing self-care. I bet you can see where I’m going with this.
What happens when you pour constantly into others, spend all your time thinking about and caring for others while your needs are continually placed on the back burner? Exhaustion. Overwhelm. Stress. Irritability. Burn out. Resentment. Sleep problems. And eventually, headaches and health problems from stress and exhaustion.
When you are stressed, over-worked, exhausted, burnt out, you lose your patience more easily, you are more irritable, you probably feel a low level of burnout for living life, or are so focused on getting through the list of to-dos that never ends that you don’t even have the time to realize how you are living your life. You are just surviving your life day after day, making sure everyone around you is ok.
What moments or opportunities for connection, and appreciation for the ones you love, might slip through the cracks of getting through each day? Are you able to show up for your loved ones in a way you feel good about?
What might change if you took the oxygen mask advice to heart and put yours on first? When you take time to attend to your own needs, you reduce stress, increase emotion regulation, and your capacity to care for others and connect. So even though we have been taught that being selfless is how you care for others, caring first for yourself is what allows you to care for others with more capacity and wholeheartedness.
When you don’t care for yourself and your own needs, and you over extend yourself and your time, you will reduce your capacity to do the very thing you want to do: care for the people you love.
Rant over. For now…