“I’m doing all the things but it’s not working… yet”
I was a woman who was stuck. I finally found my thing. I got myself un-stuck. I took the big leap. And I’m over here still working on it. I haven’t had the success I wanted to have, yet. And sometimes it feels really hard to keep going and working on what doesn’t always feel like it’s succeeding.
Making big changes to your career or your life, going after goals and dreams sure can be hard. And the hard part isn’t just the initial choice.
The next hard part comes as you realize it takes time, it takes losing hope, questioning yourself, wondering if you can actually do it… and then choosing to try again… and again… and oh yes, yet again… To dust yourself off and get back on and not fold under the uncertainty, and the “it’s not working”, YET.
When I feel this way, like the things I’m trying aren’t succeeding, like I’m starting to feel overwhelmed with all the possibilities of things I “should” do, and focusing on what isn’t working and starting to wonder if I can do this, if the thought of throwing in the towel starts to needle at me… this is what I do.
I start by just being aware of and labeling what is happening, what I’m feeling. Writing it out by hand to literally get the story I’m telling myself on paper. Barf it all up on the page so I can see what I’m dealing with.
(I bet you think you know what your thoughts are, you’re the one thinking them right? But it’s often hard to really see them clearly, to really know the full story you’re telling yourself, until you say it out loud to someone else, or you write it all out on paper.)
Instead of getting frustrated with myself or criticizing whatever comes up, I remind myself to have curiosity and compassion for myself.
(A great hack to give yourself psychological distance to do this? Talking to yourself in the third person. Take on the role of being the kinder, more caring part of yourself so you can see the part of yourself that was struggling from a distance, almost how you would see someone else’s problems. This pulls me out of the confusing and frustrating swirl of self-doubt and fears. “Oooof, girl. That feels heavy. But you’re ok, we got this.”)
Choose what I need next. Do I believe all the things I wrote in step 1? Or am I going to choose a new possibility, a new hope to hold on to? If I wrote, “I can’t do this, it’s too hard.” Will I change that to, “I won’t know until I try, and I can do hard things.”?
Sometimes I may be ready to make a plan, or I can see where I was tripping myself up, and I’m ready to get back to work with a new strategy right away.
And sometimes I need to take a break. Give myself permission to literally walk away for a bit. Go for a walk outside. Escape into a good book. Spend time with a friend. Or have a good cry and really feel the feelings of disappointment and frustration and overwhelm if it’s necessary to move through them before I’m ready to return.
Or I might need to walk away and get myself a win in another area of my life. Tidying or organizing my space works sometimes. Getting a new PR at the gym. Closing an energetic loop like finally folding and putting away the clothes in the dryer, or doing the tasks on my to-do list, or clearing off my desk and workspace. Doing something for someone else, or feeling accomplishment in a task or hobby. Feeling helpful and capable in a totally different area of my life can give me the boost I need to feel motivated to come back and keep trying at the things that take time.
(Another example of a quick win: At choir last night we were working on a challenging song (the Spice Girls “Wannabe” in the style of an English Madrigal… x-) don’t worry, I got you: yes it is hilarious, yes you can listen on YouTube here) and the director could probably tell we were all feeling a little frustrated, so she switched to a new song that was easy, upbeat, and fun to get us a quick win and feeling capable again.)
Do you actually know what you’re thinking and feeling? Are you getting curious and having compassion for your efforts, or are you trying to put your head down and just keep your nose to the grindstone? I’d love to hear what you’re up to. Respond to this email and tell me what techniques you use to keep trying and not give up when things don’t seem to be working.
There have been some hard days working through this for me, especially with everything that’s constantly happening in the US right now, but I’ve pulled myself out again. And I know you can too.
If you want help just being with somebody that can help with the swirl of everything going on inside of your mind and the world, I have sessions available for 5 individuals next week. I would love to help, just respond and we can find a time.
Change can be tough, but I bet you’re tougher,
We can do hard things.
Livia