How do I make friends as an adult?
I have heard this so many times from friends, as well as on the internet, and the research is backing us up that we are lonely AF. I taught kids how to make friends for years, and I gotta tell ya, we adults are all just grown up kids. When I was socially anxious myself, learning how to break down “how to make friends and be friendly” into discernible steps and behaviors was surprisingly helpful! So let’s break it down.
Of course this is generalized and won’t work for everyone in every situation, but more often than not it will certainly help you make some new adult friends in real life, or it might help you understand which step is the one you keep stumbling at that is holding you back. And yes, I’m gonna recommend you leave the house.
1. The first step is to go where other people are, preferably in situations where they will be open to meeting new people, and where you can share a common interest.
You can absolutely make friends with anyone, anywhere, but it’s easiest when the other people have similar objectives: meeting new people. E.g. parties, local meet ups about a common interest, workshops or courses, group exercise classes, etc.
Being in the same place regularly is partly why it’s easier to make friends in school or at work, you’re both captive to the same situation and naturally become familiar with each other. Look for situations that might mimic this regularly shared space. Start with your interests, or things you want to learn and find a class, meeting, store, lecture, or other social event related to your interest. Or be more aware of the people you regularly see each week, maybe there’s a friendship opportunity under your nose at your weekly lunch spot?
2. Next, find someone who looks friendly.
Or perhaps someone who is also alone and looks like they might be so relieved if you went over and talked to them. If you can’t muster approaching others yet, do your best to radiate openness and warmth so an extrovert will come and adopt you.
Ok, let’s talk about being friendly.
3. Look at the other person’s face and smile.
Eye-contact typically shows you are interested and listening and open to the other person. (Too much or too little can be off-putting depending on the person. You can try to match their amount of eye-contact.) Same with smiling. Smiling warmly and calmly conveys a sense of psychological safety and warmth… smiling too wide and too much and not blinking displays something else entirely! I’ll leave this up to you to figure out what works for you and the person you’re talking to. But showing social cues that signal you are open, safe and warm can be a game changer. If you don’t know what your face and body language do in public, ask someone you trust to mirror it back to you… you may be surprised!
I am talking about American culture here, and yes there is absolutely a spectrum from maniacal smiling to resting bitch face, as well as a spectrum of what people consider friendly. This is all generalizing. Take what you need, make it your own, if it doesn’t work for you, never-you-mind.
4. Ask their name and then use it.
People love the sound of their own name. And it feels good when someone wants to know your name and remember it. This is the most basic first step of friendship. Oh, and share yours too.
5. Give compliments.
Be genuine, and don’t overly flatter the other person, but starting a conversation with a compliment about someone’s style “I like your shoes” or choice “Oooh, good choice on trying the lemon bars” can be another way to signal you are a kind person and open to chatting.
6. Ask questions
Ask questions about the other person. Kids like stickers and candy rewards, adults like attention and interest (well, kids like this too!). Being genuinely curious to get to know a person is such a friendliness power move, and it helps you both find out what you have in common and what a new friendship could be built around.
Here’s where we get a little more complex than little kid friendships. Adults tend to prefer to have reciprocal conversations to feel they’re in friendship. So give and take, ask them questions to get to know them, and share a little about yourself so they can get to know you.
7. Invite them to play, or ask to join their game.
If you think this could be a friendship opportunity, ask them to continue getting to know each other by grabbing coffee together another time, meeting at another event together, or at least exchange contact info. If they ask you to hang out (and you want to continue getting to know them) say yes, but if you really don’t want to do what they suggest, offer something else instead. If you can capitalize on setting up your next meet up in the moment it is far easier than waiting to figure it out later.
Here are the steps once more:
Go where other people are, preferably in situations where they will be open to meeting new people, and where you can share a common interest.
Find someone who looks friendly.
Look at the other person’s face and smile.
Ask their name and then use it.
Give compliments.
Ask questions.
Invite them to play, or ask to join their game.
I am so curious what your tips might be. Do you have an intro question that is your go-to for striking up a convo? A place or event where you regularly meet new friends? I want to hear about it!